Couple Counseling: Tortall Series
by Treanz-Alyce
Summary: The couple talk show that’s TP meets treanz-alyce’s warped humor, with a dash of Jerry Springer. Features your favorite dysfunctional couples. This Episode – Kel and Dom, with SeaDragon co-hosting! Kel and Dom … not what you expected! -COMPLETE-
1. Jonathon and Thayet

Disclaimer: I do not own Tamora Pierce's characters - she does.  
  
Author's note: Jerry Springer meets Doctor Phil meets Tamora Pierce meets treanz-alyce's warped humor. Features all your favourite dysfunctional couples, so feel free to suggest more and ask your own questions to the couples!  
  
Hope you enjoy, and feel free to email or review me with any suggestions of couples, and any questions or suggestions or problems/solutions! Flames are a waste of time, for I will use them to burn you up! You have been warned (don't tempt me people)  
  
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Chapter 1  
  
Treanz: Hello, and welcome to the first episode of Dr Treanz-alyce's Couple Counseling, Tortallan version. I am Dr Treanz-Alyce, your counselor and host. Please give a warm welcome to our first guests, King Jonathon the third, and Queen Thayet, of Tortall. Jon, Thayet, please sit so we can-  
  
Jon: That's King Jonathon to a commoner like that of yourself. I demand my rightful respect.  
  
Thayet: Oh, shut up, she can call you whatever she wants. It's not her fault you are such a prissy prig.  
  
Jon: Me? A prissy prig? Oh, that is so rich coming from someone who practically died the first time she broke a nail.  
  
Thayet: I did not die. I only fainted. There is a difference you know. Oh, but wait, I forgot, you were too busy screwing your CHAMPION to realize. How silly of me.  
  
Jon: How dare you! I am the King, you know! And you were the one who was busy screwing my PRIME MINISTER, if I remember correctly.  
  
Thayet: At least I didn't sleep with someone who tried to kill me at my own coronation *cough* Delia *cough*.  
  
Treanz: That's enough, both of you. It is obvious you have some, er, problems that we need to work through. Before we begin, smile and wave at the cameras so the audience can get a good look at you. I mean, it's not everyday we have such screwed-up royalty on the show.  
  
Thayet: What are cameras? Gosh, do I look alright? *frantically looks around studio for a mirror*  
  
Jon: Never mind you; do I look good? *smoothes out beard several times, and practices smiling*  
  
Treanz: *sighs, shaking head* never mind. Now, how long have you been married?  
  
Thayet: Too long.  
  
Jon: I agree  
  
Treanz: That's a great start! You agree on something. Hang on, wait, no-no, that's not good! We need positive things, people. What positive things, even just memories, come to mind when you thing of your marriage?  
  
Jon: Uh..  
  
Thayet: Um..  
  
Jon: Hm..  
  
Thayet: Let me see .. Hey, is this a trick question?  
  
Treanz: No  
  
Jon: Well, there was this one time .. Wait, no, that was Alanna, sorry ..  
  
Thayet: What about that once when we .. Oops, nah, nope, not with Jon ..  
  
Jon: Er..  
  
Thayet: Uh..  
  
Jon: Drawing blanks here..  
  
Thayet: I can't remember any yet .. Give me a couple of hours ..  
  
Treanz: Can't you think of anything? Anything at all? You cannot be serious.  
  
Thayet: Well, I guess I do get to wear all sorts of nice gowns and expensive jewelry, and, well, I suppose that everyone does do everything I say just because I'm the queen.  
  
Jon: Now that I think of it, I do get to rub that I have the most beautiful wife in the world in the faces of all the noblemen and foreign kings. Too bad she's not beautiful inside. *sniggers* She's not that beautiful outside, if you look closely, really. Red hair is so much sexier than boring black.  
  
Thayet: Well, if I'm so ugly, why do you brag about me so much?  
  
Jon: It's not like I actually like you that much. I just like making them jealous.  
  
Treanz: Well, from what I can see of your marriage so far, the pair of you have some faithfulness issues, Jon, you are a bit of a possessive egomaniac, and Thayet, you have serious vanity problems. And that's just what I've concluded after ten minutes of conversation. Let's start with your affairs. Now, how many children do you have?  
  
Thayet: Five  
  
Jon: uh, let me see *counting on fingers* .. Four, five, six, seven, eight! Eight kids. Hang on, wait *pauses* yep, that's right, eight.  
  
Thayet: But we only have five; Roald, Kalasin, Liam, Lianne and Jasson. Where did the extra three come from Jon? Hey, what are you not telling me?  
  
Jon: *mumbles*  
  
Thayet: What was that?  
  
Jon: I sort of *mumble-mumble* accidental *mumble-mumble* secret *mumble- mumble* payoff.  
  
Thayet: I still didn't get that, Jonathon. Explain yourself now. *threateningly picks up lethal looking nail file*  
  
Jon: I sort of got a couple of court ladies pregnant, but it was accidental, so they agreed to keep it secret if I gave them a huge payoff. Happy?  
  
Thayet: *sobbing* Jon, how could you?  
  
Jon: Easy. I just-  
  
Treanz: That's alright Jon, we don't need a recount. Here Thayet *hands tissue box*.  
  
Thayet: I probably look like a hag.  
  
Jon: Come to think of it, you always have borne some resemblance to the Graveyard Hag .. I mean, besides the smell ..  
  
Thayet: I do not smell. You are just a nasty, selfish, arrogant, pompous .. Pickle-head!  
  
Jon: How dare you call me a pickle-head, you-  
  
Treanz: SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU! Thank you. Now, I think we should work on Jon's unfaithfulness. Thayet, how does it make you feel when Jon cheats on you?  
  
Thayet: *sobbing again* It makes me feel sad, and insignificant, and unloved, and unwanted.  
  
Jon: (under his breath) maybe because you are ..  
  
Treanz: *stern* Jon, it is Thayet's turn now, don't let me remind you again. *smiles sarcastic counselor's smile* Thayet, you really should have been a player, you almost had me fooled.  
  
Thayet: Thank you Doctor, you know, I have always been a pretty good actress.  
  
Treanz: That's, uh, nice. Alright, now Thayet, have you ever cheated on Jon?  
  
Thayet: Of course! *giggles* Did you think I would let that prat have all the fun?  
  
Jon: WHAT!  
  
Treanz: Jon, it is still Thayet's turn. Be quiet or I will put you on time out. *shakes head* we are really going to have to work on you soon, before I begin to get really mad. Now, back to you Thayet; would you consider your affairs as betrayal?  
  
Thayet: No, not really. I wouldn't even consider Jon as a real man *smirks* now, Gary or Raoul, on the other hand! I mean Gary; wow!  
  
Jon: WHAT! RAOUL AND GARY; HOW COULD THEY?  
  
Treanz: let's find out! Here comes our next guest, Gary  
  
*screen in background turns on, showing Gary walking through backstage, and then onto stage. He waves at the audience, and sits down on the fourth chair*  
  
Gary: *smiles and waves* Hello Jon, Thayet, Doctor Treanz-Alyce.  
  
Treanz: Hello Gary. Now, do you know why you are here?  
  
Gary: Sort of. I know Thayet has something to tell Jon.  
  
Treanz: Yes, she does. Thayet, would you like to tell your husband something?  
  
Thayet: *tearfully turns to Jon* I have a confession that has been weighing on my mind lately. I need to get rid of my guilt, so I have decided to come clean. *pauses, looking uncertain*  
  
Treanz: *rubs hands together* Good, good, go on, this is always my favourite part!  
  
Thayet: *takes deep breath* Jon, I have been sleeping with your cousin.  
  
Jon: *stares blankly* my cousin? Do you mean .. Roger? .. But, but he's dead .. Alanna killed him .. Twice *comprehension dawns* .. EW! Thayet, that is just disgusting! EW! EW! YUCK! EW! And I let you share my bed! YUCK!  
  
Thayet: Not Roger you idiot, I mean Gary; you know, Duke Gareth of Naxen; your other cousin. Duh.  
  
Jon: *relaxes* Oh. Well, that's alright, because I've been sleeping with Duchess Cythera, his wife, for years anyway.  
  
Gary, Thayet and Treanz: WHAT?  
  
Jon: *blushes* oops. That was a secret. Cythera is going to kill me.  
  
Treanz: *grins broadly* Well, let's see her reaction now, because we have her backstage. Welcome, Cythera!  
  
*screen in background turns on, showing Cythera walking through backstage, and then onto stage. she waves at the audience, and sits down on the fifth chair*  
  
Treanz: Hello Cythera.  
  
Cythera: Hello Doctor Treanz-Alyce. What are Gary, Jon and Thayet doing here?  
  
Treanz: I'll explain that. Now, just to recap what you've missed. Jon and Thayet have been fighting, so we are trying to work through their problems. They have been cheating on each other, and Thayet has admitted that she has been sleeping with Gary  
  
Cythera: *jumps up angrily* Thayet, how could you?  
  
Thayet: *jumps up as well* Me? You have been sleeping with my husband, you cow.  
  
Cythera: That's not the same.  
  
Treanz: *interested* Sit down, both of you please. Now, Cythera, how is you sleeping with Jon not the same as Thayet sleeping with Gary?  
  
Cythera: Well, Jon sleeps with almost every court lady, while Gary doesn't.  
  
Gary: I don't? *hurriedly* I mean, of course I don't!  
  
Thayet: *stands up angrily* How could you Gary? Cheating on me, while I was cheating on Jon, who was cheating on me with your wife, who was cheating on you! You bastard! *tries unsuccessfully to pick up chair to throw at Gary. Settles for water glass instead* I hate you. *throws glass at Gary*  
  
Cythera: *jumps back up* Gary is my husband! How dare you! Abuse your own! *jumps towards Thayet viciously. Cat fight ensures*  
  
Jon, Gary and audience: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!  
  
Treanz: *snaps fingers* Guards! *Burly guards drag kicking and screaming Thayet and Cythera apart* Cythera! You should have more self control than that. *Thayet pokes tongue out at Cythera, who does the same back* and you, Thayet; you are a queen, for Mithros sake! Act like it.  
  
Thayet: Ok, I will! *screeches* off with her head! Off with her head! Off with her-  
  
Treanz: Five minutes in time out, Thayet. We are not doing an Alice in Wonderland recital. *looks around tiredly* Gary, Cythera, I am going to have to bade you two farewell. You simply cause too much trouble. With Jon and Thayet alone, I already need Lord Wyldon or someone strict here, but he's not scheduled to be on the show, and I don't want more work; as I am already having enough trouble with these royal brats. Maybe you two can come back in a few episodes, but until then, I'm sending you back. *snaps fingers. Gary and Cythera disappear*  
  
Jon: That was fun. Can we do that again?  
  
Treanz: NO. Shut up. I really don't want to deal with you right now, but our segment isn't over yet, so we have to continue. Now, while Thayet is on time out, we can work on your ego problems. Now, how would you describe yourself?  
  
Jon: I'm the best King in the world. I am handsome, powerful, smart, strong and everyone loves me. I mean, who wouldn't  
  
Treanz: Right, well at the end of this episode, feel free, reviewers, to place your bids on this prat. *smiles sweetly at Jon* now, do you ever feel insecure?  
  
Jon: Nope.  
  
Treanz: Are you sure?  
  
Jon: Yep.  
  
Treanz: Really?  
  
Jon: Yep.  
  
Treanz: Really really?  
  
Jon: Yep.  
  
Treanz: Really really really?  
  
Jon: YES ALREADY.  
  
Treanz: settle down, you skitz. Now, we need to bring you down to earth a bit.  
  
Jon: Ew, I hate earth. It's gross and dirties my clean clothes.  
  
Treanz: Right .. Well, I think the best way to make you less sensitive, egoistic and self-centered, is to point out your faults. Then hopefully you will realize that you are not perfect.  
  
Jon: Me, not perfect? Surely you jest, fair maiden; for your abundance of wit and intelligence should tell you that I am practically a mortal incarnation of a divine one though!  
  
Treanz: Sucking up to me is doing now good, Jon .. Do you really think I am a fair maiden? You know, you are kind of hot, even if you are a bit old for me .. Wait, no, you are a guest on my show. I cannot become infatuated with you. *takes deep breath* I will not fall for Jon. I will not fall for Jon. I will not fall for Jon .. Jon, would you like to take me out to dinner after the show?  
  
Thayet: *back from time out* HEY! I thought you were supposed to solve our problems, not create more.  
  
Treanz: *scowls* oh yeah. *whispers, passing Jon a slip of paper discreetly* Here's my number anyway, call me on my cell phone sometime  
  
Jon: What's a cell phone?  
  
Treanz: Never mind. Now, back to your faults. Thayet, can you think of any faults your husband has?  
  
Thayet: *grins evilly* Where do I start? Physical faults, like his sixth toe or lack of chest hair?  
  
Jon: Thayet! I can't believe you just told everyone that!  
  
Thayet: *ignoring Jon* Emotional faults, like his mood swings and constant crying?  
  
Jon: *sniffles, tears welling up in his eyes* I do not cry. I am a big boy now.  
  
Thayet: What about his attachment to Reginald, the teddy bear he has had since he was seven? He still sleeps with her. Even our youngest child no longer sleeps with a stuffed animal. And don't let me get started on his constant need to be told how supposedly wonderful he is.  
  
Jon: It's not my fault I am insecure. On the topic, what about your flaws, Thayet? You have to be reassured that you are still the most beautiful in the realm every morning.  
  
Treanz: Oh my gosh, that so sounds like that evil stepmother in Snow White! *Jon and Thayet glare at her* Sorry, go on. These screaming matches are good for your marriage .. Ok, maybe not. But they are good for the shows ratings and my paycheck anyway. *shrugs*  
  
Jon: You make out as if you are a tough queen, but I know better. You don't leave our chambers without face paint; you carry at least five secret mirrors with you at all times; you have someone on call at all hours incase you break a nail or your face-paint is slightly messed up; you even-  
  
Thayet: I DO NOT!  
  
Jon: YOU DO TOO!  
  
Thayet: DO NOT!  
  
Jon: DO!  
  
Thayet: NOT!  
  
Jon: DO!  
  
Thayet: NOT!  
  
Jon: DO!  
  
Thayet: NOT!  
  
Jon: Your lip colour is uneven.  
  
Thayet: *screams* Oh no! Fernando! Quick, help!  
  
Jon: *smirks* told you so ..  
  
Fernando: *runs onstage; bows* your majesty, whatever is the problem?  
  
Thayet: My lip colour is not even!  
  
Fernando: *gasps* NO!  
  
Thayet: *tearful* YES! Quick, before everyone notices!  
  
Fernando: *pulls out make-up kit, and fixes Thayet's lip colour.* Ta da! *bows and runs offstage*  
  
Thayet: *pulls out hidden mirror and checks appearance* oh, what a darling, he did such an excellent job! *puts mirror away, flips hair over should, sits up straighter, and fake smiles* so where were we?  
  
Treanz: *asleep* Zzzzzzz ..  
  
Jon: *pokes Treanz* hello? *pokes her again* Doctor?  
  
Treanz: *jumps awake* argh! What? No, please don't make me do it! Anything but that! *sees Jon* Oh, hello, it's just you *scowls* is Thayet finished yet?  
  
Jon: I don't know; I wasn't really paying attention. Last time I did, it bored me to tears  
  
Thayet: *triumphant* I told you he had mood swings  
  
Jon: You are one to talk. You have PMS even when you don't have your monthlies  
  
Treanz: ENOUGH! Argh! What am I going to do with you? *picks up envelope on side table, opens it and reads it* I see. Hmm, interesting theory; it might just work, you know!  
  
Thayet: What will?  
  
Jon: Did we win something?  
  
Treanz: Sort of. Courtesy of St Looney's Psychiatric Center, one of Couple Counseling's sponsors, you two will be spending a month on a desert island in the middle of no where. You will have no contact with the outside world, only basic supplies, and will hopefully either learn to love each other, or at least manage to get along with each other. If you kill the other person, you are disqualified.  
  
Thayet: Does accidental poisioning the other count?  
  
Treanz: Yes  
  
Jon: What about hiring other people to do it?  
  
Treanz: Yep.  
  
Thayet: This is so not fair! I can't believe this! A months with him?  
  
Jon: What about my kingdom?  
  
Treanz: You have a son don't you?  
  
Jon: yes, but-  
  
Treanz: I'm sure he'll enjoy taking Tortall for a test drive  
  
Thayet: *Pale* oh my  
  
Treanz: Well, then, if everything is clear *snaps fingers. Burly guards appear again* Enjoy your stay! Take them away *Burley guards stride forward and pick up Jon and Thayet  
  
Thayet: No!!!!!  
  
Jon: Unhand me, that is an order.  
  
Treanz: Ignore them. Have fun guys!!!  
  
*Jon and Thayet disappear from view*  
  
Treanz: Well, that was an interesting episode, wasn't it? Make sure to tune in for our next show, on which our guests will be the most requested couple! Push the button below that says review, and request your favourite love interest pairs! I hope you enjoyed the show, but it is over now so I'll see you next week! This Doctor Treanz-Alyce, signing off the first episode of Couple Counseling, Tortallan version! And remember, don't get your feet dirty; walk all over everyone else! Until next time then! 


	2. Alanna and George

Disclaimer: I do not own Tamora Pierce's characters - she does.  
  
Summary (or warning): Jerry Springer meets Doctor Phil meets Tamora Pierce meets treanz-alyce's warped humor. Features all your favourite dysfunctional couples, so feel free to suggest more and ask your own questions to the couples!  
  
Author's note: I'm sorry ... I have been pretty slack lately ... I sort of forgot about this fic in the light of all my others (OIW, WDanE, FtL, SH, YDS and OMfVHPC) ... I'm having heaps of fun trying to keep up with 7 stories LOL ... And my new years resolution was to cut back ... So much for that! I'm only updating because a certain reviewer (you know who you are LOL) reviewed 'You don't say ... ?' and reminded me about this fic..... So this chapter is dedicated to youdontneedtoknow LOL!  
  
Hope you enjoy this chapter, and feel free to email or review me with any suggestions of couples, and any questions or suggestions or problems/solutions! Flames are a waste of time, for I will use them to burn you up! You have been warned (don't tempt me people)  
  
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Chapter 2  
  
Treanz: "Hello, and welcome to another episode of Dr Treanz-Alyce's Couple Counseling, Tortallan version. I am Dr Treanz-Alyce, your counselor and host. Please give a warm welcome to our next guests, Baron George Cooper of Pirates Swoop and his charming wife, Sir Lady Knight Alanna, King's Champion of Tortall, Baroness of Pirate's Swoop and Heir of Olau!"  
  
*Audience applauds politely.*  
  
*screen pops up to show George swaggering down the backstage hall*  
  
George: *enters stage*  
  
Treanz: *motions for him to sit* "Just take a seat on the couch, George, while we wait for Alanna"  
  
*screen now shows Alanna stumping down the backstage hall, until she reaches the stage door. Bowls through it furiously, landing onstage. Storms over to Treanz, who jumps up in alarm"  
  
Treanz: "Whoa! Personal space please!"  
  
Alanna: *voice dangerously low* "Did you just call me 'charming'?" *disgusted*  
  
Treanz: *uneasy* "Uh, sort of ..."  
  
Alanna: *fingers sword hilt suggestively*  
  
Treanz: *gulps* "Hey, I was only joking ..." *winces as Alanna slowly begins to pull sword out of sheath*  
  
George: *notices Alanna* "Alanna?"  
  
Alanna: *turns away from trembling Treanz* "George?"  
  
*George and Alanna run the six feet between them in slow motion, like long lost lovers from a soppy romance movie*  
  
Audience: "Awww!"  
  
Treanz: *gag*  
  
*George and Alanna fling their arms around each other, and begin to drown themselves in their significant other's mouth*  
  
Treanz: *shudders*  
  
*Two minutes later*  
  
Treanz: *clears throat uncomfortably* "Um, hello?"  
  
*George and Alanna frantically begin to explore each other's bodies with their roaming hands."  
  
Treanz: *snaps fingers in unsuccessful attempt to get their attention* "Hey! Hey, you two! Oi!"  
  
*George picks Alanna up, and carried her the three feet to the couch they are supposed to be sitting on*  
  
Treanz: *shocked*  
  
*George gently lays Alanna down, before beginning to climb on top*  
  
Treanz: *speechless*  
  
*George and Alanna begin to undo each other's shirt buttons, oblivious to their shell-shocked host, and catcalling audience*  
  
Treanz: *jumps up* "Oi! This is not the time or place, you horny little bunnies!" *Tries unsuccessfully to pull George off Alanna*  
  
George: *stops and sits up to shrug at Treanz* "Sorry, but I'm not in the mood for threesomes right now." *Leans back down to Alanna*  
  
Treanz: *steam is coming from her ears she is so mad and embarrassed* "THREESOMES? I'M FIFTEEN!"  
  
George: *muffled* "I don't think I could manage fifteen"  
  
Treanz: "WHAT? I meant I was fifteen years old, not ... ARGH!"  
  
*Treanz reaches behind armchair into handy-dandy black-bag. Pulls out long silver electric buzzer, the kind they use to poke into cages to stop animals fighting*  
  
Treanz: *muses* "Hey! This would have come in handy with Thayet and Cythera! Anyway" *turns to Alanna and George, who are literally ripping each other's clothes off to various states of undress*  
  
*Treanz gingerly taps George's arm with buzzer. George jumps up from shock*  
  
Alanna: "Hey! What was that for?" *jumps up angrily, which sends George toppling to the ground. Grabs George by the collar, and drags him offstage into a backroom, to finish what they started.*  
  
Treanz: "Great! Just fantastic! What am I supposed to do now?"  
  
*cell phone in handy-dandy black-bag rings; Treanz picks it up. It's the producer, Amanda. They begin to argue furiously*  
  
*screen is still popped up, following Alanna and George's exploits backstage*  
  
Audience: *cheering*  
  
Treanz: *notices cheering* "Hang on a sec .." *notices screen* *goes pale* "I'm going to have to call you back" *hangs up*  
  
*Treanz runs over to the screen*  
  
Treanz: "NOT. ON. MY. PG. RATED. SHOW" *vainly attempts to cover the screen*  
  
*George and Alanna's microphones are still attached to their shirts, which are lying near where they are engaging in unmentionable acts. Audience can hear the resulting... Sounds*  
  
Treanz: *trying to cover screen* *unwillingly listening to the results of Alanna and George's backstage exploits* *raises eyebrows* *mouth drops open* *jumps away from screen in surprise at last sound and turns around, before realizing what is happening* *sees the screen* "NO! I'm scarred for life" *runs offstage*  
  
Audience: *enthusiastically watching screen. From the screen they hear a door open, someone scream, and then the door slam*  
  
Treanz: *screams from backstage* *runs back onstage, panting* "OH MY GOD - WRONG ROOM!" *Flops down in armchair. Reaches into handy-dandy black-bag; pulls out remote control. Switches TV off* *clears throat* "Right, well, we'll just wait a few minutes, and let them ..... finish. Until then, does anyone have an idea of a game or something that we could play?"  
  
Random Audience Person: *waving hand about*"Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me! "  
  
Treanz: *ignores him*  
  
RAP: *Straining in seat, sitting up higher* "I've got an idea! Oh! Oh!"  
  
Treanz: "Anyone?"  
  
RAP: *standing on seat* "I do, damn it!"  
  
Treanz: "I'm not turning that TV back on you sickos!"  
  
Audience: *booing*  
  
RAP: *Jumping up and down on seat, waving hands about, being a spastic* "ME! ME! ME! ME! PLEASE! I DO!"  
  
Treanz: *clenches fists*  
  
RAP: *jumping up and down on seat. Suddenly, misses seat on way down, falls between the rafters and disappears*  
  
Audience: *cheering*  
  
Roger: *runs onstage* *acting like an overenthusiastic cheerleader at a pep rally* "I've got an idea! My cousin is stuck off on a desert island, so let's take over the world. Who's with me?"  
  
*Silence*  
  
Treanz: *raises eyebrow* "Roger?"  
  
Roger: *raises eyebrow* *mimicking* "Roger?"  
  
Treanz: *reaches over, and pulls out clipboard. Flips through some papers* "I thought you weren't scheduled to be brought back from the dead until next episode!"  
  
Roger: *with an annoying, nasally accent* "I thought you weren't scheduled to be brought back from the dead until next episode!"  
  
Treanz: "Hey!"  
  
Roger: "Hey!"  
  
Treanz: "Stop it!"  
  
Roger: "Stop it!"  
  
Treanz: "I meant that!"  
  
Roger: "I meant that!"  
  
Treanz: *screams with frustration*  
  
Roger: *screams with frustration*  
  
Treanz: "This is your last chance. You shouldn't even be here"  
  
Roger: "This is your last chance. You shouldn't even- Ooof!" *drops down, out cold*  
  
Treanz: *walks over next to Roger's body, and picks up baton* *beams at it* "I always knew you'd come in hand someday!"  
  
Stage Aide: *nervously scurries on* "Um, Miss Treanz, ma'am ..."  
  
Treanz: "What?" *Glances at Roger* "Oh yeah. Stash the body! Quick, quick!" *smiles sadistically at audience* "Right, where were we?"  
  
Neal: *runs onstage* "I'm free! I'm free!"  
  
Treanz: *stares at Neal, drooling*  
  
Neal: *does little victory dance* "I rule! I rule! I'm free! Yahoo!"  
  
Dog catcher: *runs onstage* "Dr Treanz, some of the guests escaped from the special cages!"  
  
Treanz: *wakes from trance* "Huh?"  
  
Neal: *Notices Dog catcher* "Eeep!" *runs to hide behind couch*  
  
Treanz: *furious* "How could you? If they get out, the government will find out about our secret Tortallan smuggling ring, and how we've been stealing fictional characters and exploiting them for rating purposes! They'll put me in prison, and" *sniff* "they don't have cable in jail!"  
  
Dog catcher: *sees Neal's leg sticking out from behind armchair* "Hey! You! Stop!" *begins to chase him around chairs, before they race offstage*  
  
Treanz: "Hey .. Wasn't there a point to this episode ... oh yeah! George and Alanna! Oops" *whistles*  
  
*three burly guards that somehow resemble the three musketeers run on and stop in front of Treanz*  
  
Treanz: *rolls eyes* "go and find them, please. Make them put their clothes back on, and come back out here, so we can start the show." *smiles sweetly* "Understand"  
  
Guard 1: *gulps* "Alanna the Lioness and George Cooper? But we're out numbered!"  
  
Treanz: *stares blankly*  
  
Guard 2: "I'm scared"  
  
Guard 3: "Me two"  
  
Guard 1: "Me six"  
  
Treanz: *shakes head sadly* "You're all muscles. They should be scared of you!"  
  
Guard 2: "Are we talking about the same people?"  
  
Guard 3: "I'm not sure. Who are we talking about again?"  
  
Guard 1: *whispers* "I don't remember"  
  
Treanz: *advances menacingly* "Go and do it, NOW!"  
  
*Guards scurry offstage.*  
  
*A minute later*  
  
Guards: *sprint down one side of stage, and off the other, screaming at top of their lungs*  
  
Treanz: *sighs*  
  
Alanna: *half dressed, comes running out onto stage with naked Lightning blade ready* "ALRIGHT, WHERE IS HE?"  
  
Treanz: *clucks impatiently* "Well, it's about time!"  
  
Alanna: *stares, before recovering* "I know he's here somewhere!"  
  
Treanz: "Who?"  
  
George: *comes lumbering onto the stage, clad in only a pair of too-short breeches, daggers ready* "Sorry I took so long, lass. I couldn't find my breeches. I had to use yours"  
  
Treanz: *sniggers*  
  
George: *glares* "What's so funny?"  
  
Treanz: "Think about it. She spent years of her life cross-dressing, only to marry a man who wears her clothes."  
  
George: *blushes* "They're men's breeches"  
  
Alanna: *voice dangerously low* "Take that back George."  
  
George: *surprised* "What?"  
  
Alanna: "They are MY breeches, and I am a WOMAN, so therefore they are WOMEN'S BREECHES."  
  
Treanz: *turns laugh into hacking cough* "Now that you two are fighting, I suppose we can start the show."  
  
Another Random Audience Person: "Is that what this zoo we've been forced to sit through for the past hour is called?"  
  
Treanz: *picks baton of coffee table and hurls it at ARAP. He falls down through rafters to join RAP*  
  
Alanna: "Good aim"  
  
Treanz: *beams* "Thanks! Let's begin, now that you two have settled down!"  
  
George: *snorts*  
  
Alanna: *glares at him*  
  
Treanz: *grin broadens, claps hands together excitedly* "Oh, this is interesting! You haven't seen each other in over a year, and yet once you've finished being mammals off the discovery channel, you're fighting again!"  
  
George: *scowls* "It's not my fault she's never home. Talk about being a part-time parent! She's not even around her children enough to be considered part time."  
  
Alanna: *scoffs* "At least I've got a decent job. I earn way more than you, and you get two incomes! And if you want to talk responsibility, lets talk about you not telling me our daughter went missing!"  
  
George: "Oh, please forgive me, King's Champion! I'm sorry I cared"  
  
Alanna: "At least I'm not SECOND BEST!"  
  
Audience: *gasps*  
  
Treanz: *bobbing up and down excitedly* "Burnt!"  
  
George: "That was below the belt!"  
  
Alanna: "You've got nothing below the belt."  
  
George: "Oh, and Liam and Jon did, I suppose?"  
  
Alanna: "Actually, as a matter of fact they did!"  
  
George: *snorts* "One of them was a prig, and the other was scared of you. What does that say?"  
  
Alanna: "That they're more man than you'll ever be."  
  
Treanz: *rolling around laughing*  
  
George: "Fine, well if you feel that way ..." *stands up as if to storm offstage*  
  
Treanz: *springs up to block his way* "Whoa, stop right there! You're here to, uh, work out problems! We need to talk about these problems!"  
  
George: *flicks out two daggers in response*  
  
Alanna: *angry* *runs up and tackles George*  
  
*George and Alanna wrestle around on the floor for awhile*  
  
Audience: "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"  
  
Treanz: *carefully steps around the two* "I didn't mean to cause a domestic!"  
  
*George rolls on top of Alanna. They freeze for a second, staring into each other's eyes*  
  
George: "Alanna, I'm so sorry!"  
  
Alanna: "Me too, George."  
  
Treanz: "Hey! That's not right! You're supposed to be fighting!"  
  
George: *closes distance between him and Alanna. They begin kissing AGAIN*  
  
Treanz: *sulking* "Here we go again" *whistles*  
  
*Burly guards 1, 2 and 3 come running out again"  
  
Guard 1: *notices Alanna and George, then Treanz* *shakes head* "No way."  
  
Guard 2: "Nah-uh"  
  
Guard 3: "Get real"  
  
*Guards 1, 2 and 3 walk away. Sit down on front of stage, and begin to play pat-a-cake*  
  
*Neal and the Dog-catcher run back onstage. Neal and Dog catcher run around the couches, screen, Guards, Alanna and George, and Treanz, Neal insulting the DC the entire time*  
  
Neal: "Fatty, fatty, Dog Catty!"  
  
Dog catcher: "I'll get you!"  
  
*Roger, Random Audience Person, and Another Random Audience Person run onto stage. Begin to start Audience Riot*  
  
Audience: *brawling, throwing things, swarming onto stage, falling through rafters, trashing back stage and beating up crew*  
  
Treanz: *standing on couch, attempting to impose order* "LOSERS! STOP RUINING MY BEAUTIFUL SET! STOP IT! NOW!"  
  
ARAP: "I want my money back! This episode was crap!"  
  
Treanz: *snaps* "It's not my fault the guests were sex-addicts!" *idea dawns on her* "I've got it! I'll get them locked in an institute, where all they do id make love! 24 hours, 7 dyas a week! Eventually, they'll get sick of it ... Either that, or George will have a heart attack ... Whichever works, I'm not fussy"  
  
RAP and Roger: *swinging from ceiling, trying to disconnect power to cameras!*  
  
Treanz: "Thanks for tuning in to this episode of Couple-Counseling, Tortall Version! I'm Treanz-Alyce, I rock, and this is my chaotic show. Hope you enjoyed it, and don't forget the 10 second rule; food is not safe unless it's been on the floor for more than ten seconds ... or maybe it's not safe ... I don't remember . who cares! See you next time!"  
  
*Power blacks out*  
  
**************************************************************************** *******************************************************  
  
Author's note: Wow... I wrote that while powered on caffeine, so I'm sorry ... Hope you found it funny, and that it was worth the wait! I'll update sooner next time ... And it'll be a calmer chapter . only if you want though :o) ... By the way, I'll need some special guest star reviewers, because you can only have so many Random Audience People ... Let me know in your review if you want to be in it ;D  
  
Treanz-Alyce 


	3. Daine and Numair

Disclaimer: I do not own Tamora Pierce's characters - she does.  
  
Summary/warning): Jerry Springer meets Doctor Phil meets Tamora Pierce meets treanz-alyce's warped humor. Features all your favourite dysfunctional couples, so feel free to suggest more and ask your own questions to the couples!  
  
Author's Note: Alright, listen up good, people. The writer and producer of this show have decided that Treanz-Alyce should not be left with the guests without supervision (if last episode is anything to go by) ... I got several responses with people volunteering to be in this fic, and I'm taking you up on your offers ... or in some cases, you're regular reviewers of my fics or whatever, so I adore you and decided that you deserved at least one appearance in this insane 'talk-show'! Check the list I've got below to see if you're on it. Most of you should already have gotten an email from me anyway :) so it's no surprise ... if you're new to this fic, just email me or in your review tell me you want a part in the fic in future episodes. I'm sorry, if I warp your character completely, to fit my fic..... I try to keep the guest co-hosts as sane as possible, but unfortunately, Treanz's sanity is on the decrease to counter-act it LOL! The following is a ROUGH GUIDELINE ONLY ... Anything can change :P This Episode: Co-host = Peachy Garlic; Guests = youdontneedtoknow, CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88, Numair's Angel & Tenken no Miko; Featured-story: 'Far and Away' by QueenofConnaught Episode 4 or 5: Co-Host = Alanna-of-Olau; Guests = Dead Life, Death Goddess Assassin & Flaming Knight; Episode 4 or 5: Co-Host = SeaDragon (& her frogs); Guests = youdontneedtoknow, ShadowKitten2, & (uncast) Episode 6: Co-Host = (uncast); Guests = (uncast), (uncast) & (uncast)  
  
As you can see, I need more people. If you want to be in multiple chapters, let me know ... By the way, I chose the Co-Hosts in 4 and 5 for a special reason (the hint is in their reviews LOL ... its something to do with the couples appearing ... and the guests are also chosen for certain reasons ... when you read this chapter, you'll understand)  
  
Thanks to: Storm Mage, youdontneedtoknow, Kyprioth, Numair's Angel, Keladry of Queenscove, Tears Washed Away, Rachel, Allied Inspiration, Wild Knight, Peachy Garlic, Flaming Knight, SeaDragon, anonymous, Buffy, ditzychick, CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88, summers2004, Death Goddess Assassin, ShadowKitten2, Dead Life, Alanna-of-Olau and Tenken no Miko! Double thanks to: youdontneedtoknow, Peachy Garlic, Flaming Knight, ditzy chick and Dead Life.  
  
Hope you enjoy this chapter, and feel free to email or review me with any suggestions of couples, and any questions or suggestions or problems/solutions.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Episode 3  
  
Treanz-Alyce: "Hello, and welcome to another episode of Dr Treanz-Alyce's Couple Counseling, Tortallan version. I am Dr Treanz, your counselor and host-"  
  
Peachy-Garlic: "And I'm Dr Peachy! This episode we'll be-"  
  
Treanz: "Hey! This is my show! I'm still in charge, no matter what Katrina and AJ say"  
  
Peachy: *rolls eyes* "Whatever"  
  
Treanz: "Right! As I was saying before Dr Peachy RUDELY interrupted, I'm Dr Treanz, the HOST. This episode, we had Duke Roger and Lady Delia scheduled to appear, but, due to the fortunate electrocution of Duke Roger-"  
  
Peachy: "ahem" *smiling politely*  
  
Treanz: "I mean terribly tragic, unfortunate electrocution of the ugly pug faced slug-"  
  
Peachy: "AHEM" *smile becoming strained*  
  
Treanz: *pouts* "Have it your way then. The loser got fried during the last episode, while he was leading the riot that destroyed my beautiful studio! HAPPY?"  
  
Peachy: "Very"  
  
Treanz: *pokes tongue out at her*  
  
Peachy: *sighs* "This is going to be a LONG episode"  
  
Treanz: *smile brightens* "That's alright. We've got Veralidaine Sarrasri the Wildmage, and Numair Salamin the black robe mage, coming in!"  
  
*Numair's Angel jumps up from her front-row seat in audience, going ballistic with happiness*  
  
Numair's Angel: "OH! MY! GOD! NUMAIR!"  
  
*CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88 and Tenken no Miko appear out of thin air*  
  
CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88: "Did somebody say ... NUMAIR?"  
  
Numair's Angel: *dancing for joy* "Numy's coming! Numy's coming! Numy's coming!"  
  
Tenken no Miko: *rubs hands together* "I've got an idea"  
  
*The three whisper quietly amongst themselves for several moments, oblivious to the confused audience, apprehensive Peachy and excited Treanz, (who has recently overdosed on white chocolate and vanilla coke in her dressing room, unbeknownst to Katrina and Amanda!)*  
  
CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88: *looks at Tenken no Miko in awe* "That's brilliant!"  
  
Tenken no Miko: *smug* "I know"  
  
Numair's Angel: "What are we waiting for?"  
  
*The three troop out the back of the audience's seating area, and through a 'top-secret' side door*  
  
Treanz: *bobbing up and down in seat, hyper*  
  
*Everyone stares at door in silence for several moments, waiting for a big explosion or something of the sort*  
  
Treanz: "On with the show! First, Daine!"  
  
*Screen pops up, showing Daine walking along the backstage corridor. She enters, and staggers down to where Treanz and Peachy are sitting*  
  
Daine: *dazed and disorientated* "Where am I? Am I in the Divine Realms again? Ma? Da? Hello?"  
  
Peachy: *kindly* "No, Daine, you're not ... Can I have your autograph?"  
  
Treanz: "Of course you're not in the Divine Realms! I mean, could you do this in the Divine Realms?"  
  
*Treanz stands up. Slowly she drifts upwards, before proceeding to fly around*  
  
Audience: "Oooh! Aaah!"  
  
*Treanz zooms around stage for a moment. Multi-coloured shooting stars surround her. Suddenly 'crack', 'fizzle' and 'snap' sounds are heard, and Treanz falls from the sky, landing on the couch with a thud*  
  
Treanz: *mutters* "Damn pyrotechnics"  
  
Peachy: *raises eyebrow*  
  
Treanz: "You were impressed! Admit it!"  
  
Peachy: "Was not!"  
  
Treanz: "Were too! You're just jealous!"  
  
Peachy: "Of what exactly?"  
  
Treanz: *silent as she thinks*  
  
Daine: *sniffs* "Where am I?"  
  
Peachy: *tartly* "The dingy little warehouse that is serving as our new temporary studio, until the other one is repaired"  
  
Daine: "Oh"  
  
Peachy: "Treanz, where's Numair?"  
  
Treanz: *still thinking* "Out the back, in his cage. Well, he was last time I checked."  
  
Peachy: "Which was when?"  
  
Treanz: "Three days ago"  
  
Peachy: *blinks*  
  
Treanz: *realization dawns* "Oh yeah" *jumps up and runs backstage* *returns several moments later*  
  
Peachy: "Well?"  
  
Treanz: "He's not there!"  
  
Peachy: "WHAT?"  
  
Treanz: *whispers* "Don't worry, he'll turn up eventually. Let's have some fun with Daine first"  
  
Peachy: *grins evilly*  
  
Treanz: *grins evilly*  
  
Daine: *whimpers*  
  
Peachy: "Take a seat Daine, take a seat! It's alright, we'll find your precious Numair soon enough. Until then, let's just have a little ... Chat!"  
  
Daine: *sits down gingerly, discreetly searching for an escape route*  
  
Treanz: "Now, Daine ... Tell us about yourself"  
  
Daine: "Why?"  
  
Peachy: "Because we say so"  
  
Daine: "I don't want to"  
  
Treanz: *kindly* "Would you like us to make you?"  
  
Daine: *shrinks back into chair* "  
  
Peachy: "It's alright Daine, we don't bite"  
  
Treanz: *mutters* "Speak for yourself"  
  
Peachy: *glares* "Alrighty, then. Where are you from?"  
  
Daine: "Snowsdale in Galla, but I now live in Tortall-"  
  
Treanz: *interrupts* "With your elderly lover!"  
  
Daine: "Numair isn't elderly!"  
  
Peachy: *turns laugh into hacking cough*  
  
Treanz: "Sure he isn't"  
  
Daine: *stands up* "That's it, I'm leaving"  
  
Treanz: "I'd like to see you try"  
  
Daine: *sits reluctantly*  
  
Peachy: "So how many years are there between you and old man Numy?"  
  
Daine: *becoming distressed* "Fourteen. And he's not old!"  
  
Treanz: "So how old were you when you two first hooked up? Twelve, thirteen?"  
  
Daine: "Sixteen"  
  
Treanz: *mutters* "Pedophile"  
  
Peachy: *whispers* "Technically, he was doing nothing wrong -sixteen is legal - and they're in 'love'."  
  
Treanz: *whispers back* "It's still gross"  
  
Peachy: *clears throat* "So he was thirty? What the hell were you doing hooking up with a thirty year old man when you were sixteen?"  
  
Daine: *shrugs* "He's a good kisser"  
  
Treanz: "He's had a lot of experience"  
  
Daine: *narrows eyes* "What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
Treanz: "I don't know ... Why don't you ask his WIFE Amanda?"  
  
Daine: *gasp* "No!"  
  
Peachy: "Yes!"  
  
Treanz: "Haven't you read 'Far and Away' by QueenofConnaught? He's married ..."  
  
Daine: *lower lip begins to tremble*  
  
Peachy: "But I'm sure you don't mind ... By the way, where did NUMAIR'S ANGEL get to?"  
  
Daine: "Numair's Angel?"  
  
Peachy: *nods head gravely*  
  
Daine: "Oh no"  
  
Treanz: "He's got a lot of explaining to do"  
  
Daine: "He sure does"  
  
*Suddenly a commotion is heard backstage*  
  
*Treanz and Peachy jump up in alarm*  
  
*Daine bursts into tears*  
  
*Numair comes running onstage, in a state of undress, with three teenage girls following him. All are holding various articles of his clothing*  
  
Numair: *tries to hide himself by wedging in between Treanz and Peachy's armchairs*  
  
CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88: *hold up belt and pair of pants* "I got his belt and breeches!"  
  
Numair's Angel: *holds up shirt and head band* "I got his shirt and headband"  
  
Tenken no Miko: *holds up tunic and shoes* "I got his tunic and shoes"  
  
*Treanz grins evilly (again). Reaches between armchairs, grabs a handful of Numair's hair and yanks his head up so only neck and higher is showing over the side of the red armrest*  
  
Treanz: *singsong voice* "I got his he-ad!"  
  
*CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88, Numair's Angel and Tenken no Miko all turn pale, before running offstage screaming at the top of their lungs*  
  
*Treanz rolls around laughing*  
  
Numair: *muffled* "Hello? I'm stuck"  
  
Daine: "Good"  
  
Peachy: *to Treanz* "Help me here"  
  
*Treanz and Peachy progressively pull Numair out of the niche. The three end up in a pile; Peachy on bottom, Numair in the middle and Treanz on top*  
  
Numair: "Now this brings back some memories..."  
  
Peachy: *slaps him, with some effort, seeing she is being crushed under his almost naked body (lucky her)*  
  
Treanz: *sitting on top of the other two* "I'm queen of the world!"  
  
Peachy: "Get off!"  
  
Treanz: *looks down at Numair* "Why Numy, what nice abs you have!"  
  
Numair: "Huh?"  
  
Treanz: *rolls eyes* "You're supposed to say 'All the better to seduce you with!'"  
  
Numair: "Oh"  
  
Peachy: "Get off! I can't breathe"  
  
Treanz: *reaches over and runs fingers through his hair* "Why Numy, what long hair you have"  
  
Numair: "Just watch out for the lice"  
  
Treanz: *springs up and runs far from Numair, to the sink on the edge of the stage, where she proceeds to vigorously wash her hands* "Ahhh!"  
  
Peachy: *shoves Numair off her, sending him sprawling* "THANK-YOU! HOW HARD WAS THAT PEOPLE?"  
  
Numair: *rubs head where he hit his head on the corner of the couch* "Ow" *stands up*  
  
Daine: *arms crossed, tapping foot*  
  
Numair: *turns on charming smile* "Magelet!"  
  
Daine: *glares*  
  
Numair: *looks down and remembers that he is only clad in a loincloth* *gulps* *smiles hesitantly* "Daine, this isn't what it looks like"  
  
Daine: "You tell me what it is then"  
  
Numair: "Alright, well, you see what happened was-"  
  
Treanz: *returns from sink* "He was out the back with Numair's Angel, CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88 and Tenken no Miko" *shrugs* "They kept his clothes to sell on e-bay"  
  
Daine: "e-what?"  
  
Treanz: "e-bay online. It's where I bought those dodgy cages I'm keeping you freaks in. The main problem is that you're all breaking out of them. We've had to put most of you on tranquilizers. I mean, how am I supposed to concentrate while playing Crash Bandicoot on my PS2 with all that noise?"  
  
Peachy: *shakes head sadly in disbelief* "Right, back to Daine. Numair, why don't you tell Daine about Amanda?"  
  
Numair: *blushes* "What can I say? It was an Alternate Universe, and you were dead ..."  
  
Daine: *hyperventilating* "What?"  
  
Treanz: "Nah, don't worry. It's not like he preferred her to you or anything. I mean, she was only closer to his age, had awesome magic, and was pretty, devoted and in love with him ... What was not to like? They made such a good couple ... I suppose you could say she was a better, smarter, less skanky alternative to Varice"  
  
Daine: *having a breakdown*  
  
Numair: "Shut-up!"  
  
Treanz: "If I was her, I'd have been scared long ago, on the first morning I woke up and saw your hairy ass in bed with me"  
  
Numair: "I do not have a hairy ass!"  
  
Treanz: "Do too!"  
  
Numair: "I can prove it!"  
  
Treanz: "Do it then"  
  
Numair: *turns his back to the audience and Treanz, bends over slightly and pulls down the back of his loincloth to reveal a smooth, shiny, toned butt* "See. Told you so!"  
  
Peachy: *open mouthed in surprise (and delight . who knew Numair had such a great backside?)  
  
Numair: *moans* "This is ruining my reputation"  
  
Treanz: *brightly* "Your rep? I've heard that alright! About how you became a shape-shifter because you ran out of Carthaki Court Ladies, which is no mean feat in itself, and then proceeded to conquer animal kingdom! You have to admit Numy, once you get a rep like THAT it's hard to ruin it ... Unless of course, you've moved onto vegetables?"  
  
Peachy: *shakes head* "You've got a sick, sick mind"  
  
Treanz: *ignoring Peachy* "And if you two are shape-shifters ... Wow, you guys could write you own Karma-Sutra!"  
  
Peachy: *disgusted*  
  
Daine: *disbelieving*  
  
Numair: *thoughtful*  
  
Treanz: "Can you guys catch animal diseases, out of curiosity?"  
  
Numair: "Daine has fleas"  
  
Daine: "Numair had worms"  
  
Peachy: "EW!"  
  
Treanz: "Tsk, tsk, tsk! You obviously haven't had your shots!"  
  
Daine: *bitterly* "Numair was too busy with his WIFE"  
  
Numair: "It's not my fault she's closer to my age"  
  
Daine: *sobbing* "Oh, so I'm too young now?"  
  
Numair: "Daine, listen. I just have... Certain needs"  
  
*suddenly, a cloud of smoke appears in the centre of the stage*  
  
*A tall man with brown hair, green skin, a VERY dirty loincloth and huge antlers steps out*  
  
*He glances around the studio with obvious distaste for a moment, before his eyes rest on Numair, then crying Daine, then back to Numair*  
  
*Weiryn narrows his eyes menacingly and takes a step towards Numair*  
  
Numair: "Mr Weiryn, sir. Uh, nice weather we're having, isn't it?"  
  
Weiryn: *growls* "I wouldn't know, it's always sunny in the Divine Realms"  
  
Daine: "Da!" *runs over to him* "Da, I'm so glad you're here! Take me out of this horrible place!"  
  
Weiryn: "I will soon sweet. Just as soon as I deal with the mage - you might want to cover your eyes"  
  
Daine: "You're not going to hurt Numair, are you? You can hurt those two-" *points to Treanz and Peachy* "but it wasn't his fault. They made him warped"  
  
Peachy: *whispers to Treanz* "Don't make any sudden moves . and if its possible, don't do anything stupid"  
  
Treanz: *shrugs* "I don't deny it ... I spiked his drink, and let QueenofConnaught whisk him off to an alternate universe ... You just wait until it's your turn Weiryn!"  
  
Weiryn: *blinks* *considers this*  
  
Peachy: *whispers* "Ohh! Blackmail! Good trick"  
  
Treanz: *whispers back* "I know. How else do you think I got this show? I told the producer AJ that if she didn't let me have the show, I'd tell everyone about the time she was three and got a baked-bean stuck up her nose ..."  
  
Peachy: *shakes head*  
  
Weiryn: *looks from Numair to Treanz and Peachy, and back again* "So whose fault is this?"  
  
Numair: *points at Treanz*  
  
Treanz: *points at Numair*  
  
Peachy: *points at Numair*  
  
Numair: *gulps*  
  
Treanz: *smirks*  
  
Peachy: *covers eyes*  
  
Weiryn: *slowly walks away. Suddenly, he turns, and charges at Numair with his antlers down, ready to cause bodily injury*  
  
Numair: "Ahhhh!" *runs away*  
  
Peachy: *sits down with some pop-corn* "We could be here for a while"  
  
Treanz: *pulls out the white chocolate M&Ms and Vanilla Coke* "Bliss"  
  
Daine: *crouching under coffee table*  
  
Peachy: "So where are you going to send them when all this is over?"  
  
Treanz: "I've got a tight budget right now, so I'm going to just let Daine go off to the Divine Realms with Weiryn, and Numair can go to the hospital with the paramedics"  
  
Peachy: "Oh. Cool"  
  
*A crash and bang sound from the back ground. A teen girl with a really cool super hero costume flies in, and lands near Treanz and Peachy*  
  
Peachy: *eyes her cautiously* "Are you here to stop Numair from getting beaten up?"  
  
youdontneedtoknow: *lifts an eyebrow mysteriously*  
  
Treanz: *snorts Vanilla coke everywhere* "Lindsay, you made it!"  
  
youdontneedtoknow: "My super reviewer hotline went off, and said that there was an episode I wasn't allowed to miss. Come on - as if I'd have missed Weiryn bashing Numair for anything!"  
  
Peachy: "I know what you mean. By the way, what's with the costume?"  
  
Daine: *tries to create a diversion unsuccessfully by turning into a rabbit, and hopping offstage*  
  
youdontneedtoknow: *glares at Treanz* "That's what I'd like to know"  
  
Treanz: *shrugs* "Ask Katrina at the end of the show. Anyway, sit down, pig out on the M&Ms and watch the show while it lasts!  
  
Numair: *In the background* "Yeow! Ow! Stop! Please! That hurts! A lot! Mommy ..."  
  
Treanz: *glances over her shoulder* "Thanks for tuning in; we've run out of time for this show, unfortunately. We all know how much you love to see Numair being bashed! Complaints and compliments can be sent using the little box market 'submit review' below, along with your picks for next chapter! I'm Dr Treanz-Alyce, the one stuffed with popcorn is Peachy- Garlic, and the one in the leotard suit is Super Reviewer, a.k.a. youdontneedtoknow! I'll see you next episode, which either SeaDragon or Alanna-of-Olau will be hosting with me, depending on the chosen couple! And don't forget - the only thing worse than a reluctant bridgegroom, is a reluctant hairdresser! If you don't get that, don't worry, I don't either!"  
  
Numair: "HELP!" *fades out*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
youdontneedtoknow: I'm sorry it was corny - its just that you deserved a much better part than Random Audience Person LOL :oP  
  
Stats: 17718 characters, 2959 words, 538 lines, 227 paragraphs and 10 pages  
  
R&R - Roger and Delia, or Kel and Dom, up next, depending on votes! ;D  
  
- Peace out, rock on  
  
Treanz-Alyce 


	4. Roger and Delia

Disclaimer: I own nothing except myself. The reviews own themselves, and Tamora Pierce owns her characters.  
  
Author's note: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I never realized just how in-demand Delia and Roger were though :D But I assure you that I have something special planned for next chapter (5 - Kel and Dom), and it involves the cold, sarcastic and cynical (had to throw that in Alex :P) SeaDragon, who of course will wreak unprecedented havoc on the show! So, enjoy this chapter, and if you haven't already, check out my other humor/parody fic 'You Don't Say'!  
  
Bon Appetite!  
  
**************************************************************************** ******************************  
  
Episode 4  
  
Treanz: "Hi again, and welcome to Couple Counseling! I'm Treanz, and this" *gestures to co-host* "Is Alanna-of-Olau, also known as AoO!"  
  
AoO: "I am not!"  
  
Treanz: "Well, you are now. Alanna-of-Olau is way too long to write. Now, this episode we have two very special and hard to find guests on the show. I warn you, they may not be exactly what you expected"  
  
AoO: *mutters* "Understatement of the Century"  
  
Treanz: *glares* "Anyway. Roger of Conte, back from the dead"  
  
AoO: "again"  
  
Treanz: "And Delia of Eldorne"  
  
AoO: *sniggers*  
  
Treanz: "who is on a special 'parole' from Traitor's Hill just so she could visit us today"  
  
AoO: "And how lucky we all are"  
  
Treanz: "Shush, or you'll give the surprise away"  
  
AoO: "More like the horror"  
  
Treanz: "It's not her fault she's ... like she is"  
  
AoO: "Since when were you compassionate?"  
  
Treanz: *grins evilly* "Since I decided to give Roger the shock of his life"  
  
AoO: *smirks* "That, I'm sure you will. I almost feel sorry for him ... almost"  
  
Treanz: *beams*  
  
AoO: *groans* "Don't let it get to your already over-inflated head"  
  
Treanz: *pouts* "I do not have a big head"  
  
AoO: "Keep telling yourself that"  
  
Treanz: *pokes tongue out at her*  
  
AoO: "Anyway..."  
  
Treanz: "Oh yeah. Please ... ahem, 'welcome' ... Roger, the *CENSORED* who just happened to have ruined my beautiful studio" *sniff* *mutters* "ass"  
  
*a cloud of orange smoke suddenly appears on the couch. A man becomes visible as the smoke clears*  
  
Treanz: *cough* *splutter* *cough* "I'm asthmatic, you know"  
  
Roger: *rolls eyes and shrugs shoulders*  
  
Treanz: *narrows eyes at Roger*  
  
Roger: *smiles charmingly at audience of fangirls*  
  
Fangirl audience: *swoon*  
  
Treanz: *completely taken aback* "Ew! People, he's dead!"  
  
AoO: "Obviously not anymore. Must I bring up the fact that YOU were the one who brought him back?"  
  
Treanz: "hmp" *folds arms crossly* *whines* "But he's evil. It's not fair"  
  
AoO: *reaches over and feels Treanz's forehead for her temperature* "Are you feeling okay?"  
  
Treanz: *sighs dramatically* "Nope. Maybe he's corrupting me as well" *pauses* *melodramatic gasp*  
  
AoO: *rolls eyes in annoyance* "What now?"  
  
Treanz: "I'm too young to die!"  
  
Roger: *smiles charmingly, though strained* "Not necessarily - it can be arranged"  
  
Treanz: "No one asked the peanut gallery"  
  
Roger: *mimics* "No one asked the peanut gallery?"  
  
AoO: *sighs* "Not again"  
  
Roger: "Do I look that stupid?"  
  
Treanz: "Do you look that stupid? YES YOU DO!"  
  
Roger: *winces* "last time we went through this, I ended up with concussion"  
  
Treanz: *grins triumphantly* "You sure did"  
  
Roger: *smile brightens* "Have you ever heard of role-reversal?"  
  
AoO: "Her psychiatrist uses it all the time"  
  
Roger: *slumps slightly, put out* "Oh. Bummer"  
  
Treanz: *glares at him for a moment* "I hate you"  
  
*silence*  
  
AoO: "That was random"  
  
Roger: *stares in horror* "But ... But everybody loves the Rog-inater"  
  
Treanz: *blows raspberries at him*  
  
Roger: "I mean we're, we're talking about THE Rog-inator"  
  
AoO: *sniggers*  
  
Roger: "The Rog-inator extraordinaire is not loved ... Oh my god!" *fans himself frantically*  
  
Treanz: "The Rog-inator?" *snorts* "Just think of all the possibilities ..."  
  
AoO: "Look at me; I'm the AoO-inator"  
  
Treanz: "Oh, oh!" *Strikes a pose* "And I'm the Treanz-inator"  
  
*Treanz and AoO burst into gales of laughter*  
  
Treanz: "And while Roger comes to turns with his rejection, we should probably bring in our next guest"  
  
AoO: *sits up straighter, smirk in place, and eyes on Roger*  
  
Roger: *looks up, feeling AoO eyes on her, sorry, him. Shuffles away from her slightly, scared*  
  
Treanz: "Please welcome Delia of Eldorne"  
  
Roger: *freezes*  
  
*in slow motion*  
  
*the backstage doors open ... slowly*  
  
*a foot becomes visible*  
  
*the resulting leg becomes visible*  
  
*the body finally goes through the door*  
  
*silence*  
  
*Delia of Eldorne stares around stupidly, before her eyes rest on Roger"  
  
Roger: *whispers* "Delia?" *shrinks away in horror*  
  
AoO: *stuffs fist in mouth to muffle laughter*  
  
Treanz: *barely controlling herself*  
  
Delia: *narrows eyes* *sweetly* "What's wrong Roger, aren't I what you expected?"  
  
Roger: "Well, no ... What happened?"  
  
Delia: "My girlfriend Yolande likes me better like this. Don't you?"  
  
Roger: "No. Hold on - your girlfriend?" *disgusted*  
  
Delia: *shrugs* "We're both in for life, and it gets kinda lonely on Traitor's Hill"  
  
Roger: *surveys her in ill-disguised distaste* "Delia, what have you done to yourself?"  
  
Delia: *shrugs again* "Shaved my head, got eight tattoos, fifteen piercing, put on some pounds, built muscles and stopped being a pansy"  
  
Treanz: *shrieks in laugher* "She's BUTCH!"  
  
Delia: *turns to Treanz, dangerously slow* "Say that again"  
  
Treanz: "You're- omph"  
  
AoO: *clamps hand over Treanz's big mouth* "Do you want to get bashed up?"  
  
Treanz: *bites AoO's hand"  
  
AoO: "OW!"  
  
Treanz: *imperiously* "I'm the host"  
  
AoO: "And Numair was a mage, but that didn't save him"  
  
Treanz: "Weiryn was a god"  
  
AoO: "And Delia's in prison ... Think about it"  
  
Treanz: *thinks about it*  
  
Delia: *smiles sweetly at Roger* "What do you say Roger, one for old times sake?"  
  
Roger: *horrified* "Delia, I-"  
  
Delia: *smile fades* "Yes Rogie?"  
  
Roger: *fumbles* "Um, I, uh"  
  
Treanz: *interrupts* "What he's trying to say, is that one, for 'some' reason he doesn't find you attractive, and two, he's gay"  
  
*shocked silence*  
  
AoO: *whisper's furiously* "That wasn't in the script ... Now that I think about it, none of this was, but - but that's beside the point"  
  
Delia: *taken aback" "G-Gay?"  
  
Treanz: *nods vigorously* "I heard from my friend's cousin's cleaner's vet that Roger, being in the Realm of the Dead, saves the Black God loads on Gigolo call-out fees!"  
  
Roger: *blushes*  
  
Treanz: *pretending to be compassionate* "That's alright Roger. She" *jerks thumb at Delia* "is enough to turn anyone queer"  
  
AoO: *puts head in hands* "You possess absolutely no tact what-so-ever"  
  
Treanz: *beams* "Wonderful, isn't it"  
  
Delia: *Eyes bulging as she gapes at Treanz in seething anger* "You're going to pay for that"  
  
Roger: *stands up excitedly* "I second that"  
  
*Numair limps onstage, covered in bandages*  
  
Numair: "Did someone say payback for Treanz?"  
  
*Alanna enters with sharp sword ready*  
  
Alanna: "I'm game"  
  
*Thayet staggers onstage*  
  
Thayet: "My beauty products, they're all ruined from the island. You're in for it now!"  
  
*Sobbing and clutching his crown, Jon enters*  
  
Jon: "The salt water tarnished my precious. That was the last straw"  
  
*George sneaks into the studio*  
  
George: "I almost had a heart attack at the place she sent Alanna and I, the 'exercises' were so vigorous. And there was a web-cam hidden in our room, but we didn't realize until it had been broadcasted all over the Eastern Lands"  
  
*A wolf with Daine's head and VERY sharp teeth bounds towards the angry mob*  
  
Daine: "That twisted CENSORED is not even a counselor! She forged her degree!"  
  
Treanz: *gulps* "People, calm down! It's not that big a deal" *chuckles nervously* *glances towards AoO for help*  
  
AoO: *snorts* "You're on your own here"  
  
Treanz: *sarcastically* "Thanks so much!"  
  
Alanna: "ROGER?"  
  
Roger: "Alanna?" *whimpers*  
  
Jon: "Delia?"  
  
Delia: "Jonathon?"  
  
Daine: *raises an eyebrow (if wolves have eyebrows)*  
  
Numair: *whispers to Daine* "They used to court"  
  
Daine: "Oh" *sniggers* "What was he on at that stage?"  
  
Thayet: *whispers to George* "I though she was in prison"  
  
George: "She was ... emphasis on was"  
  
Thayet: *speaks to entire mob* "Shouldn't we just get on with causing Treanz grievous bodily harm?  
  
Alanna: "I have to go kill Roger again"  
  
Roger: "I have to go get killed again"  
  
Delia: "I need to go bash up Jon:  
  
Jon: "I need to go get bashed up by butch Delia"  
  
Numair: "I'll help"  
  
Daine: "Me too"  
  
George: "I'm still in"  
  
Thayet: *feeling important* "Alright then" *glances around studio* "Where is she?"  
  
*Treanz has, by this stage, escaped, and is far, far away*  
  
George: "She's gone!"  
  
Numair: "Good one George!"  
  
George: "It wasn't me! It was Daine!"  
  
*An argument ensures between Daine, Numair, George and Thayet*  
  
*Alanna is in on the left side of the stage, killing Roger again*  
  
*Delia is on the right side of the stage, bashing up Jon*  
  
AoO: "This fic always ends so violently!" *shrugs* "I'm Alanna-of-Olau, your guest co-host for this episode of Couple Counseling, the show where problems are not really solved, just magnified, exaggerated, and created! Now, I'm not going to end with the lame quote that is Treanz tradition, so tune in next time, which will be soon if you click the button that says submit review! Tune in next episode to check out Kel and Dom, plus special co-host SeaDragon" 


	5. Kel and Dom

Disclaimer: Duh, do I look like I own anything except the show and insane plot? 

Author's note: Well, this fic has been doing pretty well! Hopefully, this should reach 100 by the end of this chapter – I'm not updating until it does LOL! And I would like to half-heartedly apologize to those reviewers who found chapters 3 and 4 of this fic offensive. I have nothing against e-bay, Numair, or butch-lesbians ….. It's a parody though people and I write this whilst on a sugar high: what else did you expect? The point of Delia being a butch-lesbian was to make it **_original_**, of which I pride my fics in being!  You can't tell me that it wasn't completely unique and unpredictable :D

Enjoy! Kel/Dom should prove ….. Entertaining, especially with **SeaDragon** guest hosting!

******************************************************************************************************

**Episode 5**

**Treanz**: _lounging on an armchair_ "Well, welcome to another episode of Couple Counseling, our first in our new studio! Hopefully this one will last longer than 2 episodes – let's try to set a record!" _beams enthusiastically_

**SeaDragon**: _rolls eyes_ "God you're sad"

**Treanz**: _Mock insulted_ "How rude!"

**SeaDragon**: "You expected anything else?"

**Treanz**: "Not really…..good point" _pauses _"Okay, now folks-"

**SeaDragon**: _sniggers_ "Folks?"

**Treanz**: _rolls eyes_ "Shut-up! Now, 'people', I'm Dr Treanz, and this here is SeaDragon, who claims to be a doctor, but really got her PhD forged at the same place I did-"

**SeaDragon**: "It's also where we got all those fake IDs, passports, birth certificates and counterfeit currency"

**Treanz**: "Shh! Anyway, in this episode of Couple Counseling, Sir Lady Knight Keladry of Mindelan, Protector of the Small, and Sergeant Domitan of Masbolle of the Third Company of the King's Own, shall be our guests"

**SeaDragon**: _perks up _"Yeah! More minds to mess with!"

**Treanz**: "Fun, isn't it! Let's introduce the first half: Give it up for Domitan!"

_Dom hesitantly walks onstage. Treanz sits up straight when she sees him, drooling. Pats spare seat next to hers_

**Treanz**: "Over here Dom, here!"

_Dom looks around, confused, but goes and sits down next to Treanz nether-the-less_

**Dom**: _glances around hesitantly _"Um yeah …Who are you? And where am I? The last things that I remember were these strange raiders, and a really big metal cage ….."

**Treanz**: _Waves hand dismissively_ "They were just some thugs I hired to kidnap you and smuggle you here"

**Dom**: "Oh ….. Hang, on, you kidnapped me? But, what about Lord Raoul ….and Kel, and everyone else? They'll notice I'm gone, won't they?"

**SeaDragon**: "Nope, not if they're all here anyway ….. Aren't Raoul and Buri coming up soon?"

**Treanz**: "Sure are! Anyway, back to Dom" _fanatical fan girl sigh_

**SeaDragon:** "So Dom … do you like Kel?"

**Dom**: _clears throat_ "Is that a trick question?"

**SeaDragon**: "Are you smart? The answer to both is a big fat NO, so answer me"

**Dom**: _somewhat taken aback_ "Uh" _gulps_ "Yes, I do, sort of"

**Treanz**: _gasps_ "You do what? Oh my god, what did you just say?"

**Dom**: _starting to get scared _"Um, I said yes, I do like Kel …  not that it's any of your business" 

**SeaDragon**: "Hey, buddy, we're the ones that decide what and what's not our business, and as far as I'm concerned-"

**Treanz**: _fanning herself frantically_ "He did not just say that, he, he, he-" _dramatic pause_

**SeaDragon**: _coaxing _"He what?"

**Treanz**: _exclaims_ "He likes Keladry!"

**SeaDragon**: _mock surprised_ "Oh no, tragedy!"

**Treanz**: _nods head emphatically_ "I know!"

**SeaDragon**: _sarcastically_ "For all you know, he could be your soul-mate; you could be meant to be; it could be written in the stars!"

**Treanz**: _wailing_ "No!"

**Dom**: _confused_ "I'm lost"

**SeaDragon**: _snorts _"It looks like you broke her heart"

**Dom**: _sheepish_ "Uh …Oops?"

**Treanz**: _steadily becoming more hysterical …screaming and wailing in agony, clutching her heart_

**Dom**: _stares at Treanz in horror_ "Make her stop!"

**SeaDragon**: _ignores him_ "You did that to her!"

**Dom**: _frantic _"I'll do anything!"

**SeaDragon**: _slyly _"Anything?"

**Dom**: "Yes! Just make her stop!"

**SeaDragon**: _holds out hand to shake on it_ "I'm gonna hold you to your word"

**Dom**: _shakes her hand hurriedly, stares at his hand, and then wipes it on his breeches_

**SeaDragon**: _leans over to Treanz_ "I got him; hook, line and sinker!"

**Treanz**: _quickly stands and composes herself_ "Awesome! Now, on with the show…"

**Dom:** _totally lost_ "What just happened?"

  
**SeaDragon**: "We, being superior females, just tricked you, an inferior male, into doing anything we decide"

**Dom**: _even more lost _"Oh … I see"

**Treanz**: _smiles sweetly_ "Dom, dear, don't hurt yourself by thinking too hard"

**Dom**: _distressed_ "Stop it! I'm not stupid"

**SeaDragon**: _deadpan_ "I think we're hurting his feelings … cool!"

**Treanz**: "So Domitan, how old were you when your parents sold you?"

**Dom**: _annoyed _"My parents didn't sell me"

**Treanz**: _disbelieving_ "Uh huh, sure. Now, how did it feel to be sold?"

**Dom**: _irritated _"I wasn't sold!"

**Treanz**: _shakes head sadly_ "Now Domitan-"

**Dom**: _angry _"Stop calling me that!"

**SeaDragon**: _sing__ song__ voice_ "Domitan, Domitan, Domitan…"

**Treanz**: _mock furious _"Domitan, don't you dare speak to me in that tone"

**Dom**: _shouting _"Call me DOM"

**Treanz**: _soothing_ "Now, Domitan, it's natural to be having an identity crisis as a result of being sold to buy your mother's midwinter gown, but that's no excuse to treat me like that. I'm only trying to help you-"

**SeaDragon**: _snorts_

**Treanz**: "-Being sold is nothing to be ashamed of-"

**SeaDragon**: "Yes it is!"

**Dom**: _close to tears _"Stop it! First you make out that I'm stupid, now you're saying I was sold! Neither is true!"

**Treanz**: _pauses _"Hang on-" _picks up clipboard_ "Oops!"

**SeaDragon** **and** Dom: "What?"

**Treanz**: _Sheepish_ "I got the character profiles mixed up. This is actually Wyldon of Cavall's sheet! Silly me!"

**Dom**: _about to have a fit_

**SeaDragon**: _slightly put out _"I'm still keeping you to your promise!"

**Treanz**: "While Domitan sorts out his emotional baggage, and SeaDragon mutters to herself, let's introduce our next guest: Keladry of Mindelan"

_Keladry stomps out onto stage, furious._

**Kel**: "Where is my GLAIVE? How am I supposed to KILL people without it?"

**Treanz**: _tuts _"Now, now, now Keladry, there will be none of that on my show! Well, at least, not yet!"

**Kel**: _glares suspiciously _"And who are YOU?"

**Treanz**: _sits up straighter_ "I'm Treanz-Alyce, the host-"

**SeaDragon**: _interrupts _"-Co-host-"

**Treanz**: _ignores her _"-of this show. Please sit down there, next to SeaDragon."

**Kel**: _hesitates_

**Treanz**: _rolls eyes impatiently_ "She doesn't bite … much"

**SeaDragon**: _smiles, barring brand-new false vampire teeth_

**Kel**: _sits on other side of couch, scooting away from SeaDragon_

**Dom**: "Kel! Praise Mithros you're here. These crazy-"

**Treanz**: _indignant _"Hey, watch who you're calling crazy-"

**SeaDragon**: _adds in _"I prefer cold, sarcastic and cynical"

**Kel**: _taken aback_ "Woah"

**Dom**: "They're evil!"

**Treanz**: _confused _"You say it like it's a bad thing…"

**SeaDragon**: _stage whispers_ "Where they come from, it IS a bad thing"

**Treanz**: _filled with superiority_ "Well, that's just plain dumb!"

**Kel** **and** **Dom**: _growl_

**Treanz**: "Oh, how adorable! They even growl in perfect unison!"__

**SeaDragon**: _suppressing laughter_

**Kel**: _embarrassed _"I'm WARNING you"

**Treanz**: "Keladry, Domitan, I really think its time we got down to business-"

_A teenage boy and girl stumble across the stage, arguing furiously, completely oblivious to everything else_

**Lily**: "I hate you Potter!"

**James**: "Well, I hate you more!"

**Lily**: "Well, it's all your fault!"

**James**: "Well, I love you"

**Lily**: "You just said you hated me!"

**James**: "So?"

**Lily**: "That didn't make any sense"

**James**: "So?"

**Lily**: "So what?"

**James**: "I bet you didn't know I could read your mind"

**Lily**: "You can what? Oh no! Do you…?"

**James**: "Yep, I know about that time you had the daydream about you and I in the-"

**Lily**: "Shut-up Potter"

**James**: "I also know about the time when-"

_They drift off-stage, much to the surprise of the hosts and guests_

**Treanz**: _excited_ "Were they who I thought they were?"

**SeaDragon**: "I'm pretty sure they were: its looks like they've fallen straight out of my story!"

**Treanz**: "Oooh! Scary stuff!"

**Kel**: _clears throat _"Ahem"

**Treanz**: "Oh yeah …" _looks wistfully after where Lily and James disappeared _

**Dom**: _hopeful _"You can go after them if you really want to…"

**Treanz**: _narrows eyes_ "You wouldn't want me to leave, would you Domitan"

**Dom**: _covers ears with hands _"STOP IT!"

**SeaDragon**: "You have issues, Domitan"

**Treanz**: "Geez, I'll say!"

**Dom**: "I do not have issues!"

**Treanz**: "And that's not all!" _glances slyly at Kel_

**Dom** **and** **Kel**: "What?"

**Treanz**: _matter-of-factly_ "You two have relationship issues"

**Kel** **and** **Dom**: _blush_ "We do not!"

**SeaDragon**: _raises an eyebrow_

**Treanz**: "That's the third time tonight"

**Kel and Dom**: _indignant _"It is not!"

**SeaDragon**: _snorts_ "You two are freaks!"

**Kel and Dom:** _insulted_ "We are not!"

**Treanz**: "Okay, that was just scary! Is it normal for you two to go through phases where you always think and say the same thing?"

**Kel and Dom**: _thinks slowly_ "Um…yeah"

**SeaDragon**: _killing herself laughing_

**Treanz**: _holds hands up to audience, and motions to herself_ "Being the genius I am-"

**SeaDragon**:_ adds sarcastically_ "-And being oh-so-modest-"

**Treanz**: "-I have a cure!"

**Kel and Dom**: _protesst _"But we don't have a problem"

**SeaDragon**: _sarcastically_ "And I'm not a sarcastic person"

**Treanz**: "I prescribe…" _pauses_

**Kel and Dom**: "Yes?"

**SeaDragon**: "You prescribe…?"

**Treanz**: _takes a deep breath_ "Prank-calls!"

**Kel and Dom:** "Prank-what?"

**SeaDragon**: "What do prank-calls have to do with anything?"

_Suddenly, a frog begins to hop across the stage._

**SeaDragon**: _mesmerized _"Oooh … look at the pretty frog!"

_More frogs begin to hop across the stage._

**SeaDragon**: _in heaven_ "Look at all the frogs!"

**Kel and Dom**: _wailing_ "We don't like frogs!"

**SeaDragon**: "A hardened knight and commander, afraid of a little froggie?" _grins evilly_

**Kel and Dom**: "Uh oh…"

**SeaDragon**: _picks up frogs and starts lobbing them at Kel and Dom_

**Kel and Dom**: _dodging frogs_

**Treanz**: _sticks two fingers in her mouth and whistles loudly_

**Kel and Dom:** _freeze_

**SeaDragon**: _puts down frog_

**Treanz**: _to first frog _"Ribbit-ribbit, ribbety ribetty ribbit rib-rib ribbit"

**Kel and Dom**:  _confused _"What is she doing?"

**SeaDragon**: _awed_ "Speaking fluent frog!"

**Head Frog**: _in deep, croaky accented English _"We apologize, humans, we seem to have dropped from no where"

**SeaDragon**: _excited_ "Are you, by any chance, from a story involving Alanna, Jonathon, Gary and Raoul?"

**Head Frog: "**Yes. We were dropped on the heads of some councilors!"

**SeaDragon**: "Oh yay! You belong to my story then!" _dancing around stage, singing whilst in a trance_ "They're mine, all mine!"

**Treanz**: _whispers to Head Frog_ "I'd get out of here, while she's distracted"

**Head** Frog: _makes secret frog signal to followers, who all creep offstage_

**SeaDragon**: _wakes from trance to notice that all the frogs are gone_ "Hey! Where did they go?"

**Kel and Dom:** _ shrug _"Dunno"

**Treanz**: _innocently_ "What frogs?"

**SeaDragon**: _growls_ "Why you-"

**Treanz**: _holds up phone_ "We've still got pranks, remember!"

**SeaDragon**: _pouts_ "Alright then"

**Treanz**: _turns to Kel and Dom _"Now, watch and learn" _dials random number_

**Joren**: _picks up phone on other end_ "Hello?"

**Treanz**: "Hello, this is Lady Marmalade. I'm doing an area check. Is your refrigerator running?"

**Joren**: _confused _"My what?"

**Treanz**: "It is? Well, you better go catch it!" _laughs manically and hangs up_ "And that is how it is done"

**Kel** and Dom: _awed_

**SeaDragon**: "My turn" _grabs phone and dials random number_

**Thayet**: "Hello, this is Queen Thayet speaking"

**SeaDragon**: _puts on a very fake, very random accent with a lisp _"Hello? Thith ith Dr Pierre. I rethenthly performed your breath implanth thurgery."

**Thayet**: "Oh. I see."

**SeaDragon**: "Yeth, well I'm afraid there hath been a problem. We actually implanthed the wrong implanths in."

**Thayet**: "What!? This was over two months ago! How could only have just noticed?"

**SeaDragon**: "Yeth, well I'm afraid that thinthe you're on a dethert island, you'll hath to keep your new boobth."

**Thayet**: _wails _"What?"

**SeaDragon**: "Oopth! I've goth to go!" _hangs up_

**Kel** and Dom: "I want a go!" _glare at each other … and lunge for the phone at the same time … struggle ensures, with Kel winning_

**Kel**: "Yay! I won!" _dials random number_

**Lord** Wyldon: _picks up_ "This is Wyldon of Cavall"

**Kel**: _excited _"You suck!" __

**Lord** Wyldon: "Mindelan, is that you?"

**Kel**: _panics_ "Uh, um, no!" _hangs up_

**Dom**: _snorts_ "Real smooth"

**Kel**: _heatedly _"And I suppose you can do better?"

**Dom**: "I can actually: _reaches over and grabs phone, dialing yet another random number_

**Neal**: "Yo, wassup, this is the Neal-meister-"

**Dom**: "You're a meat-head!" _laughs to himself_

**Neal**: "-And I can't-"

**Dom**: "Think! You can't think! Because you're a meat-head" _shooting smug glances in Kel's direction_

**Neal**: "-come to the-"

**Dom**: "Meathead? Hello?"

**Neal**: "-phone right now, but if you leave a message after the beep, I'll pretend to return your call later… BEEP!"

**Treanz**: _killing herself laughing_

**SeaDragon**: _choking on her cheesy-frog-bites_

**Kel**: _rolls eyes _"Oh yeah, you sure did better Dom!"__

**Treanz**: _trying to calm herself down_ "It … was … an … answering … machine … and … we …had … it … on … speaker … phone!" _collapses laughing again_

**Dom**: _sulking_

_Suddenly, the stage door bursts open. Uniformed officers swarm through, and everyone freezes._

**Dead** Life: _steps forward _"I'm Officer DL from the GIB, Girls in Black! I'm here investigating an illegal Tortallan Smuggling ring"

**DeathGoddessAssassin**: " And I'm officer DGA. Sit down on the couch, and don't make any sudden moves"

**Dom**: _jumps up, scared_ "You're evil, all of you!" _tries to run from room_

**Random** **Officer**: _shoots Dom with a tranquilizer_

**Dom**: _goes down, and stays down_

**Treanz**: _awed_ "Cool! Where'd you get that? I want one!"

**Random** **Officer**: _glares_

**Dead** **Life**: _smacks random officer across the head_ "Why the hell did you do that?"

**Random** **Officer**: _confused_ "But, but that's what the handbook says…"

**DeathGoddessAssassin**: "And since when do we follow the handbook?"

**Random** **Officer**: _gulps_

**SeaDragon**: "Oh, so you're not here to arrest us?"

**Dead** **Life**: "No way! We came to help"

**DeathGoddessAssassin**: "Think about it … if you had a choice between doing the right thing and perving on some hot Tortallans; which would you choose?"

**SeaDragon**: _nods slowly_ "A very good point"

**Kel**: _crawls over to Dom _"Dom?" _shakes him gently_ "Dommie? Hello? Are you awake?"

**Dom**: _doesn't respond_

**Kel**: _pumps air with fist_ "Yes! Now I get the phone" _runs to phone and begins pranking more people_

**Dead** **Life**: _raises eyebrows_

**Treanz**: "Don't ask"

_A flea-infested, inbred, ugly, stupid mutt drops from the ceiling, landing in a heap in front of Treanz_

**Treanz**: _freezes, staring at the 'dog'_

**Fido**: _whimpers, looking up at Treanz with puppy eyes_

**Treanz**: _low growl_ "You."

**Fido**: _eyes widen with recognition_

**Treanz**: _steps closer _"So you thought you'd get away with it, did you?"

**Fido**: _gulps_

**Treanz**: _a sword miraculously appears in each hand_ "Well, I've got news for you"

**SeaDragon**: _pulls bazooka out of back pocket and gets ready to aim _"I'll help you break it to him … or more accurately, break him"

_youdontneedtonknow, Numair's Angel and Peachy Garlic appear_

**Peachy** **Garlic**: _holds up box_ "I brought my portable biological and chemical weapons kit"

**Numair's** **Angel**: _motions to bag behind her _"I brought all the torture devices"

**youdontneedtoknow**: _hold up bowl_ "I bought the popcorn … and the rocket blaster that we're gunna use to send what's left of Fido into outer space, never to return"

**Dead** **Life**: "Get rid of the mutt? I'm so in!"

**DeathGoddessAssassin**: "Now, where to start? I have so many ideas … mutilation torture is always a good one to start on"

**Kel**: _torn between duty and fun _"Wait! I'm supposed to protect animals…"

**Treanz**: _rolls eyes_ "He's a robot. He won't feel a thing. Plus, if you help, you can have your glaive back"__

**Kel**: _eyes go glassy_ "My glaive? Mithros, did you even have to ask after that?"

_They all slowly begin to advance on Fido, who can't find an escape route_

**Treanz**: "Thanks to the audience for tuning in. I appoligise for the violence that is about to come, but it is for the sake of my 'sanity'. Killing the 'wonder-mutt' is rather therapeutic … see you next episode! Who would you like? Let me know in a review!"

_'Censored' screen drops over stage front; veiling the goings-on backstage … this is still a non-violence fic (yeah right)_


End file.
